CRISTINA ROSE 0:03
Hey friends, welcome to this week’s episode of “Not Your Momma’s Podcast”. And today’s special guest is Sylvia Baffour for a leading emotional intelligence coach and speaker who leverages global experiences to empower individuals and organizations to her dare to care framework, fostering thriving work cultures. Sylvia, it is such an honor to have you on I’m really excited to talk to you today about our topic.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 0:30
Thank you so much for having me, it’s really an honor to be here as well.
CRISTINA ROSE 0:33
So how can individuals leverage emotional intelligence to navigate challenges and build resilience in their professional lives?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 0:44
Ah, yeah, you know, that’s an interesting question. I often get asked when I’m doing my presentations, and, you know, Christina, I’m sure you’ll agree that we’re, the last handful of years have really tested the world right and, and really cold enough to tap into our resilience and emotional intelligence, thankfully, is a skill set we can use to become more resilient. And I often just go right to talk about the fact that resilience is an inside job, right? It is an absolute inside job, it is the things we do consciously to better manage internally, what is impacting us externally, that is often out of our control. And I would say one thing that stands out to me that I often talk about is being mindful of how you’re framing the circumstances in front of you, you know, because as human beings so often when we have challenges, which causes us to need to be resilient, we always default to asking what I call why questions or barricading questions that sort of barricade in our thinking and leave us feeling helpless about what’s changing around us. And so I invite folks to think about asking or gateway questions, which typically start with the words how, or what, and these are questions that open up the gates to Ford thinking, yeah. And so instead of saying, you know, why didn’t I get the promotion I deserved, and you’re really feeling down about that. The way you tap into inner resilience is to reframe that and say, What one thing could I do creatively to boost my marketability and skill sets? So the person who’s asking the gateway questions is always orienting themselves towards solutions, instead of just being helpless about what’s happening around them that’s out of their control, you know?
CRISTINA ROSE 2:17
No, it’s so true. And life is such a mental game. And if we break free from like, the why me? Or like, why didn’t I get this? We open ourselves up to more creative thought processes, like you mentioned, like, how can I market myself more? Or like, where did I really, you know, just like, really sit with yourself and be honest, like, okay, where could I have improved in this interview? You know, what I mean? Like, what are my skill sets, instead of like, being bah humbug about yourself, like, take it as an opportunity to really thrive? And like, even like, brush up on, you know, where your weaknesses are?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 2:50
Yeah, exactly. I mean, for someone who may say, you know, why aren’t my ideas ever taken seriously in meetings, for instance? And that’s the GITMAN question to ask. But the thing is, those questions are legitimate, they’re just unhelpful, you know, so instead of saying, Why aren’t my ideas taken seriously, you could just say something like, what can I do to creatively present my ideas for greater impact that might make inspire you to go and ask a colleague or something who is really good at getting the ideas across? You see, so it’s always moving you forward?
CRISTINA ROSE 3:18
Yeah no, I like that. And this is why I have the podcast, because I think it’s so important to have a strong emotional IQ and intelligence because it’ll only life’s a mental game. And it’s all about how you perceive it, you know, and it’s your inner work. And it’s like, you are in control of your inner self and in your inner being, and how you want to, you know, view the world. So it’s very important. That’s the thing that you can have control of in the situation and how to harness that is important. That’s why I love people like you on the show. So as a renowned speaker, what advice do you have for individuals looking to enhance their communication skills and, you know, connect with the diverse audience effectively?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 3:58
You know, the one thing that jumps out at me in really a 20 year journey for me is that you have to know your audience, you know, it’s Christina, it’s alarming to me, in speaking with meeting planners and event conference, folks, how little prep work speakers do to try to understand who is in front of them, who is who is in those seats, what do they care about? What are their concerns? What are they dealing with, you know, it’s you become an ineffective communicator, if you’re just bringing your stories, your ideas, you know, I often see people who are marketing to get people into speaking business saying things like, Hey, do you have a story to tell? And it really isn’t about you getting on stage and just telling your story. It’s, do you tell it in a way that people can actually resonate with and relate to you know, and, and so I often share with folks that when you’re preparing any piece of writing that’s going to be presented publicly? Every few sentences, just stop and ask yourself, why should they care? Just keep asking, why should they care and try to answer that question, and if you can’t answer the call question for the audience, then you’re probably rambling on too much about your own stuff, or you’re not framing things in a way that they would care and relate to. So to me that stands out the most is do as much homework as you can on the people you’re going to be presenting to.
CRISTINA ROSE 5:14
Yeah And like you said, I do think people lacking that even, like, let’s just say, starting a blog, you know, what I mean? It’s like, Who are you trying to speak to? You know, who you’re trying to captivate? What is that, you know, Avatar person look like, you know, and sometimes we put the cart before the horse, because we want to just get out there send the message, but it’s like, you really do have to think effectively on like, how are you communicating? Who is your audience? And what are they wanting? What are they missing? What are you trying to, you know, impact with them or, you know, influence. So, you know, I think it’s important and a good reminder to always study your audience.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 5:55
Even for your podcasts, you’re right, you have a good sense of, of who listens to your show. And so you, you look for guests who are going to be aligned with, with the value that, you know, your listeners are expecting and hoping for.
CRISTINA ROSE 6:07
you know, even for me, it’s always shifting and changing, you know, and I mean, like some things do, well, some things don’t, you know, and, you know, I’m still even in the process of figuring out like, you know, what do my listeners really want to hear to so? So it’s a good reminder, you know, and from your book, you know, I dare you to care, you know, you can suggest Can you suggest one practical tip for our listeners to boost their emotional intelligence in their daily life?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 6:35
Yeah, I think, if I’m to share one, there’s so many. But if I’m narrowing it down to one, Christina, I would focus on the one that helps us be enjoyable to be around, you know, because as human beings, we all have emotional triggers, you may be triggered by feeling criticized, maybe I’m triggered by feeling misunderstood or being excluded. So we all have emotional triggers. And yet, so few of us actually spend intentional time thinking about how we behave in the middle of an emotional trigger. And so the one piece of advice or or the tip or strategy I share, is to do what I call a job shifting phrases wherever possible. So a shifting phrase is simply a generic language that you can use to calm your mind down in the moment that follows a trigger to just buy you a few seconds of time to assume positive intent, for instance, so that you’re not, you know, overreacting. And I always I’m often now in my presentations using real Smith, unfortunately, as an example, because I explained the fact that, you know, shifting phrases or things like, is it possible, Chris did not mean to offend my wife? Right. Is it possible? There’s a reason why I wasn’t included in that meeting? It’s so it’s phrases that are generic that we can all ask that just open up curiosity, and they help us assume positive intent until we know more. It’s not supposed to be rooted in truth itself. It’s just what can you do to calm yourself down in that emotional trigger moment? So you bring the best self? Because if Will Smith had said for instance, is it possible Kristin mean to offend my wife? Or could all of this be part of the Oscar skits? Right? There’s so many shifting phrases you could ask, which would not have propelled him on stage to slap him and, you know, create the drama he has in his own career.
CRISTINA ROSE 8:17
Yeah no, that was definitely something to see when that happened. And it’s true, you know, and in those moments of like, anger, like, we have to remind ourselves to take a step back. So we’re not just like, throwing and spitting words out. And I feel like sometimes that’s the hardest thing to do. But yeah, it’s going back, you’re in control, you are the one that’s in power, you know, and you have the self control to do what you need to do. And that’s all about having that emotional intelligence to be able to recognize that. You know, and in your experience, you know, what are some common misconceptions about emotional intelligence? And how do you address them in your coaching?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 8:57
I think the one that jumps out at me most is this idea that emotional intelligence is about being nice, or sort of being a pushover, you know, it’s just about not ruffling any feathers, not, you know, having those difficult conversations. And I think that’s actually quite the contrary, because emotional intelligence is the skill set that we reach for, so that we can have those uncomfortable conversations, those difficult moments, we’re trying to resolve conflict. You know, it’s not about just smoothing over things and playing nice, because if you’re using emotional intelligence, then you’re phrasing things in such a way that you get your point across, you’re Stern, but you’re empathetic enough that you don’t rob somebody else of their dignity or humanity, you know, because if I’m trying to talk to you in a difficult conversation, and I am not using emotional intelligence to do it, I’m going to emotionally bruise you and then the drama becomes about how I talk to you instead of what I was actually trying to get across. Yeah, I mean, so. So I would say that the one misconception is that emotion titles is about being nice and it’s not it’s it’s actually skill we need so that we can have, we can be the best version of ourselves in those uncomfortable moments that must be addressed during the conflict, right. And it’s not just for something to make you look good. You know, if you’re emotionally intelligent, you can say anything in the world, I often talk about the fact that we have access to all the words in the English language free of charge. But if we don’t use our words, mindfully, they can cost us a lot. And emotional intelligence is what helps us use our words mindfully.
CRISTINA ROSE 10:27
Yeah, I always say words are currency, you know. So say and spend it wisely.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 10:34
I love that. I love that.
CRISTINA ROSE 10:35
So can you share some practical approaches or exercises from your dare to care framework that professionalizes or professionals can actually easily integrate into their daily routines for professional and career growth?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 10:53
You want to get I’m going to just touch on one because I, you know, I just wanted to sort of stand out in people’s memory. You know, one of the things most people in professional life want to do is influence others, right? Even if you’re not in a leadership position, you have a desire to, to be a positive influence the people in your sphere, on your teams, in your mommy groups, whatever the case is. And I often talk about the fact that I’ve never been positively influenced by somebody who I can’t stand to be around. And so the one strategy from the framework I’ll talk about is, is under the realm of my framework that I called deepen your connection to others. And it’s, it’s the things you do to influence the emotional aftertaste of your interactions, because everybody you interact with on a daily basis feels a certain way having been in your presence. Yeah, typically, it’s bittersweet, you know, and it’s important to think about how you’re influencing that emotional aftertaste, how do people feel once you’ve left their presence, and it’s not about control, right, we’re not talking about controlling how others feel, talk about influence. So the strategy is, as often as you can, in advance of an interaction, even if you have just five minutes, think about one dominant emotion you would like the person to feel by the time you’re done with them. Maybe you want them to feel inspired or understood or hopeful, right. And if you keep at the forefront of your mind, as you go into the interaction, it is absolutely going to influence your choice of words, and how you approach the conversation. And therefore, you increases your chances of being able to get leave a sweet aftertaste as opposed to a sour one.
CRISTINA ROSE 12:22
Yeah well, and it’s really important, you said, people remember how you made them feel? Not like what you did, you know, feeling is a lot more impactful. And I think that’s really great. I always want people to remember how I made them feel, you know what I mean? Like, oh, I felt good and happy in our presence or whatever, you know what I mean? And I think that’s really important. And if you go into it with the mindset of like, okay, what’s my intention? Like? How do I want people to feel you know, after even like, with your children, you know what I mean? How did you make your kids feel? Did you put them in fear? Did you feel love? Do you know, like, remember those things?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 12:56
Yeah. And it’s very important to think just one emotion. That’s it, right? Because most parents unless you’re narcissist, you don’t go in saying I want my children to feel fear. Right. Yeah. But you may communicate with them in a way that results in that aftertastes fearful. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
CRISTINA ROSE 13:12
Exactly. Alright, Silvia, it is time for the power mom Chronicles. And I cannot wait to know what your answers are.
And my first one to you is what’s a game changing? Lesson life has taught you.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 13:26
Well, you know, game changing for me, I’ll see game changing because it was the pivoting of my career. I used to be a consultant for our founders in about 21 years ago. And they messed up my US work visa. And so at the time, there was just such chaos in my life. And I’d lost my apartment. I had to leave the country in 15 days and all this drama. And I remembered some words that the spiritual guru Gary Zhukov had said on Oprah Winfrey on one of his shows, and he said, You must never use negative emotions to make an important decision in your life and expect to get a positive outcome. Yeah, that was a life changing lesson for me is that, you know, you cannot possibly use negative feelings. If you use fear to make your decisions, all you’re really doing is inviting fear into the solution. Right, and the outcome. So that was a game changing lesson for me.
CRISTINA ROSE 14:17
Yeah, no, it is true. And you’re crippling yourself from the creativity of solving the problem.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 14:22
Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.
CRISTINA ROSE 14:25
So my second question is reflecting on your journey, what practical lessons or insights can our listeners apply to improve their, their own lives?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 14:36
One I think really centers around stories, right? You go throughout your entire life, you have lived experiences, every one of us we have the things that happen to us in our life, lives and then the story that we choose to attach to what has happened, and I call them expensive stories, you know, and I so I talk about the fact that it’s important to rid yourself of expensive stories, you know, think about most of us carry these stories for all of our lives. no longer serving us, but because they’re so familiar to us. It’s like the devil, you know, we hold on to them write the narratives. But I think what’s really empowering is when you can make a column and list out all of the costs, what is it costing you to continue that hold on that story that I’m not good enough for the next promotion, or I don’t deserve a better, healthier relationship, right? Think about all the costs and jot them down and look at that from time to time because that will really shock you into getting rid of the story and really embracing a new one. Because at the end of the day, we’re just making up stories about what’s happening to us in our lives anyway. So if we’re going to tell make up stories, let’s make up empowering ones about ourselves, you know,
CRISTINA ROSE 15:36
Yeah because it’s true, because we create our own reality. You know what I mean? Absolutely, thank you Rockstar, ag like Ross or be Rockstar live that live, you know?
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 15:47
Yeah totally And if you think you’re not, then you, then you know
CRISTINA ROSE 15:53
So awesome. My third question to you is, you know, offer a piece of wisdom for moms or anyone really trying to find their strength and voice.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 16:03
Hmm. You know, I would say that your path is uniquely yours. And that is what makes it beautiful. And so the moment your voice and your strength gets silenced when you when you try to swim in someone else’s lane, because you’re as they say, you can only be a second best somebody else, right? And so it’s really, really vital to think about how unique you are singularly the only person on the planet, who has all of what you bring to the table. And, and you have to remind yourself of that from time to time it is uniquely yours. It’s exactly what makes you beautiful. And now act like a kid, you know, act like you are singularly the most unique individual that is, is moving through this earth, because you are you’re different from everyone else who you might be envying or even admiring.
CRISTINA ROSE 16:49
Yeah And my last question to you is the best advice you’ve ever received.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 16:56
Impostor syndrome is something that plagues the most successful and ambitious among us. So do it anyway. You know, I was fortunate to be mentored by Dr. Maya Angelou for 13 years, and I was shocked to find out that after each one of her 11 best selling books, she told me, she said, you know, Miss Baffour, I would sit down after every best selling book waiting for the shoe to drop and wondering, When are they going to find out that I’m not as good of a writer as they think I am. And so I thought to myself, if Maya Angelou can have impostor syndrome after 11 best selling books, I believe it, we all have it. And it’s just a reminder that you want to do better and be better in life. And since we all dealing with it and are plagued by it, we might as well proceed on with with or without it, you know?
CRISTINA ROSE 17:39
Yeah no, that is great advice. Because you kind of have to like it’s not like a fake it to your makeup, but it’s just embrace it. And it’s like, still go after the goals. And even if you feel like you’re not good enough, like you really are, you know, it’s just your own insecurity kind of holding you back.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 17:57
Yeah I mean, I remember the first time I had an opportunity to speak in front of 4000 people, and I’d never done it before, I’d never done anything more than 500. And I thought to myself, if I allow the imposter syndrome to take over, then then the fulfilling prophecy would be you suck, and you’re terrible, or I turned down the opportunity. Yeah. And I said, Well, I’m afraid like we do the thing we fear in spite of feeling insecure, or feeling like we’re not deserving of being there. We all are plagued with it. So to me, that’s lifelong, you know, advice, it’s imposter syndrome is going to exist in your life from time to time, it is just a reality. But you proceed anyway. Because what is the alternative?
CRISTINA ROSE 18:33
What you don’t do it and impostor syndrome is kind of like a little tool there to kind of seems like to help, you know, uplevel you out of your comfort zone and you know, step out and do that 4000 person, you know, speaking event versus your normal 500.
SYLVIA BAFFOUR 18:48
Exactly, absolutely. Yeah.
CRISTINA ROSE 18:50
All right Sylvia Well, thank you so much for coming on this week’s episode of “Not Your Momma’s Podcast”. It was such a fruitful conversation. All of her links are down below in the show notes. Don’t be shy. Go say hi. And I hope to see you all in the next one. Take care